This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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