i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂