getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
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They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
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And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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