I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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