My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
