miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Randomize
