and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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