That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
