how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
