"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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