I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
