I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
