An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
please come you make the beer taste better
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
