Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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