Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
