speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
