Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
