i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
