I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
