Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
