I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
