Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
