Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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