I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
