i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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