Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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