MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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