Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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