what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
