your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
nutella sex= disaster
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
