I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
