She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
