Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
