NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
You are the jesus of drinking
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
