i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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