Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
The power of my boobs compel you
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
