just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
