well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
