Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
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i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Of course I have a pirate flag
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
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I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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