If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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