i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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