he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
