We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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