just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
