I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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