I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
