dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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