just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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