Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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