i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
