Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
