This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
