I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
