We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
