god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
