The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
